Ambition

I have noticed lately that I am surrounded by a lot of people who have no ambition..it is like they have accepted all the mediocracy in their lives and have even planted immovable roots in its ideology.

I guess if that was what they really wanted it wouldn't be that bad but this acceptance of mediocrity comes with a big heap of complaining about their own self-directed location.  Doesn't the mere act of complaining about something mean that you are not satisfied?

I am not sure that they really want to change their circumstances because they are truly content with the helplessness they have created themselves.  They only want to ask for opinions on how to change but only to listen to the cadence of the responses not to actually move in any particular direction. So what can you do?

You just have to accept that you are surrounded by a lot of people who have no ambition and it is not up to you to change their circumstances that is something only they can do.  If their complaining gets too much, toss them bone and maybe they will be ambitious enough to catch it or you can always slip on a pair of noise-cancelling headphones...

Imperfection

I have spent some time reading over my past blog posts and I can see a re-occurring theme...

I write a lot about discovering who you really are.  I wonder why that is so important for me to reveal.

I keep looking at myself in a mirror trying to discover something that I can't quite seem to capture.  I should just walk away but I am too obsessed in getting to the bottom of this mystery.

What happens when you learn something about yourself but you don't like what you see?  Is it self-reflection or is it self-hate.

You are always blaming me but I am always blaming myself.  It is just how it is.

I read a blog today about perfect imperfections and it made me think.  There is so much of my world that is imperfect and I am sure I could provide a very extensive list if you asked but no matter how imperfect my life is...isn't it just perfect for me?

Just when I feel like I have control everything starts to spiral away from me~ I really should just learn to accept it~ but the mere thought of conforming makes me want to keep delving deeper...

Is it possible to go too far?

I am feeling empty today but I have no one to blame but myself...my path, my choice...isn't that what I keep telling you~

Gratitude

I want to take a moment and thank you...for coming here and reading my blog. 

I know I say I write this just for me...but I will let you in on a little secret~ I have figured out that I am really doing it for the both of us...

I do write for myself because it helps me make sense of the world around me but I also have to come clean and admit that I enjoy that you are reading my words~ even if they just make you roll your eyes, it is nice to know I created a reaction in you...

I might not be able to make a big splash in the world but knowing that I can create a tiny ripple that really means something to someone else...is really enough for me to smile.

Thank you for walking with me on this journey~ I hope I can inspire you to create a tiny ripple of your own too~

Consuming

Hate is a pretty powerful thing but I am not sure you understand how much it really only hurts you...

When someone wrongs you, what do you do?  Don't your defenses begin to protect you...you build a wall. 

You retreat into the place you feel the safest and you start preparing for the war.  You stockpile as many weapons as you can to use against the one you hate. 

You are constantly thinking about your strategy to win. 

You may lose sleep, eat less, and even start spreading the seed of this persons  transgression to everyone because you think this may provide them protection~

You ultimately become consumed with the idea of this person's wrongdoings...the seeds of hate are growing strong in you...and you are blinded by this hated~ it has changed your entire world and you are surrounded in the darkness...

The person that caused all of this...they are living their life in the sun, smiling~ guilt-free for in their mind they have done nothing...all this only affects you...all the hurt and pain you are creating gives them the ultimate victory...and you handed it to them on a silver platter of hate~

The Toolbox

Recently I was asked to write about a nostalgic moment as a nod to "Throwback Thursday". 

When I was younger, I would spend a lot of my summers with my grandparents in Oklahoma.  They lived in a small rural town.  If you stood at one end of town and spit...you would probably hit the other side of it~

There was no glamour in my grandparent's old run-down property but it was filled with old treasures sealed behind cobwebs and rust just waiting to be discovered.

The thing my grandfather loved to do the most was go night fishing and when he went he always asked me to go with him. 

My grandfather would set out a container of chicken livers for days until it was completely covered in flies, because other than roadkill, it made the best bait for catfish'n. 

After the sun retired for the night, we would slip into his old ford pickup and head for his "favorite" fishing holes.  He didn't believe in wearing seatbelts and I remember holding on for dear life as the truck bounced across craters in the red dirt.

We would fish in the darkness of the night with only the moon and the occasional lightning bug illuminating the pond, We would sit in total silence for hours waiting for the catfish to bite.  Above all things, my grandfather taught me patience~and how to clean a catfish of course...

Before my grandfather passed, he gave me an old rusty red toolbox that he used as a tackle box,  For me,  when I think about my past...that toolbox is the thing that makes my heart smile the most~

Snowflakes

So how did I find myself chatting with you today....this is something some happy, positive, comfortable, slightly stressed and let's face it probably slightly horny person from chat~ brought up to me~ 

The timeless paradox of how two relatively intelligent people find themselves text to grins chatting on the internet ~ were we pre-destined to meet as part of some grand plan...or just happenstance like the formation of unique snowflakes~ you know...no two meetings are alike...something like that~

Well~ just think about the sheer number of people sorting that must have occurred...because, face it~ we don't chat with every person we meet~ maybe a "hey hi" and a passing hug~ but to delve deeper...what does it take for you to take the next step~ to move pass the small talk and leap into full blown idea exchange... what is it about you that made me step toward you~ what did you see in me that gave you confidence to reach out~

Are we looking for those that compliment or challenge us~ 

I guess the idea can't really be wrapped up into a neat and tidy package but it is something to think about...my fellow snowflake~

Wise Fool

A certain someone said this to me yesterday...."Some write because they have something to say; Some just because they have to say something"~

I know this is like a not really Plato quote that goes~ "Wise me speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something"

But it does make me think about my writing~ Am I Wise or a Fool?

I have always thought that I write for myself about things that cross my mind~ some silly and some serious~but always things that interest me...it is how I express the part of me that only a few get to see in real life~ so yes, damnit I have something to say~ so crown me wise as I bask in the irony of my cleverness~ but this does seem right~ Is this who I really am?

This is why I really think I am more of a fool~

Yes, there is pressure to keep writing ...even if it self-inflicted~

I do want to stay relevant and I believe that thinking that way makes me ponder..." Am I really writing for myself or for you, my reader...I can keep telling myself I do it for me~ but how long can you keep telling yourself these things.

Have I have become a slave to my own words~so maybe I am a little bit of both~ a foolish wise woman...