For Me

I have been away for awhile. I look back through old posts and hardly recognize the places I have been. I guess being away has given me the chance to move past a lot of stuff. I am figuring out what I want and who I am. I get stronger day by day. I am determined to reach my goals. I believe that you can overcome a lot when you put your whole heart into something. I am not here to entertain you or change your thinking. I am here to write down my thoughts no matter how crazy they are at times. I am here for me.

Discovery

I have been in and out of the online world for a bit now. I have discovered many things about myself and the others around me. I guess I have found that I do not like person I have become in this world. I have shut a lot of people out and surrounded myself with what might have beens. I am in a different place right now. People say you have to hit bottom before you can start reaching for the top again. I truly believe I have reached that plateau. I have changed a lot of things since my last post. I guess my thinking about the world is the the one thing I have changed the most. I have to face what I fear and move past what I have created to stand in my way. I am stronger than I thought. I have a lot of regrets but I can't dwell on those. I have to be responsible for me and allow others to be responsible for themselves. I have to fix me before I can allow anyone else in to share who I am. The darkness that surrounds me is fading and I see hope on the other side as I look toward my future. I won't be gone forever but less often is best for me now. I hope for you is the best of what you are seaching for in your path of discovery.

Standing on Solid Ground

Sometimes you step down on things and you cannot keep your balance. You have a few choices, you can move more slowly and try not to fall or you can simply fall and get yourself up again.

The Mirror

I glanced into a mirror today and paused at the reflection I saw. I hardly recognize the eyes behind the shell of what I use to be, a year of days have almost passed.

I still see the glimpses of fright as my scars cringe at the pulsing of my heart. The trigger is never where is should be, as the gun is always hidden. It is a place I dare not visit.

I lie awake a night more times than I should, for rest is a luxury I cannot buy. I hold close a worn picture book at the base of my dreams. I flip through the pages as the moon melts into fire, sleeping but a moment before I am jarred awake again.

I stare beyond the scope of what I see and look toward the footprints behind where I have walked. My path toward the light is dark but I feel the support of those I cannot see near me.

I struggle to find my way through each passing breath as I fight for the strength that weakens me. Each day I feel closer to finishing my race but the line is still stretched further than my seeing.

I know this madness is of my own creation, forged from the piercing hands that took away the world’s eye upon me and put me in these chains that bind me.

Upon deaf ears the passing of time only silences my cries. I have drifted beyond my stream and the bank is too rocky to climb. I know now the end I will never reach.

The Nightmare

Suddenly you awake overwhelmingly drenched with fear and the thunderous beat of your heart echos in ears. You cannot catch your breath and your senses are foggy. It takes you awhile to know you are safe in your bed. You have nothing to fear, it was just another nightmare.

When I was younger, these terrors happened a lot. It got to the point that I was afraid to sleep. I never really knew what I did or what was said that changed that for me. I just remember getting control of my thoughts. I could manipulate my dreams so that I could overcome whatever scared me. If I was falling, I would find a parachute or the power of flight. If someone were attacking me, I could fight back or come across a weapon to defeat. My nightmares stopped and my dreams were peaceful.

Slowly the nightmares have been creeping back, it is like I am losing my power against them, I can't seem to sleep as much and when I close my eyes I feel only the fear. I am sure I know why but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I am searching for the what I lost and hoping to find the control I need before the nightmare has a life of its own.

Sweet dreams~my friends

Time Machine

I built a time machine today and the hardest part was deciding where I wanted to go.

I ended up going back to the beginning to when we first met. This time, I saw you coming before you even noticed me. I watched you closely. You were exactly how I remembered, nothing had changed. I knew how this would end. I needed time to think.

I ended up in a garden somewhere in my future. I laid amongst the beauty that nature had to offer. I watched the clouds change into different apparitions and listened to the whisper of their voices on the wind. As I gazed up at my future, I saw everything that would be. It was a sudden flash of light that alerted me to my understanding and I knew exactly what to do.

I went back to that day, the one I call today, and decided where I wanted to go, before I built my time machine.

Maybe I will build a time machine today...

Taking Care of Business

The rains have brought a new nemesis into my path. The little critters of the night, crawling through a small crack in a patio door. They marched with such certainty as the invade my private possessions. I have waged a war with this enemy and before I can claim the trophy of victory, they all must die!

Upon glimpsing the first scout, my trigger hand has been swift and my weapon of choice, 409. It has been quite effective but I am still looking for guidance and absolute annihilation or at least a new place to party.

I have discovered an arsenal of remedies that include: cinnamon, black or cayenne pepper, oil of peppermint, chalk, coffee grounds, instant grits or rice, cucumbers or vinegar

I hope to be victorious at eradication of this tricky little bugger soon!!!!

One Fatal Mistake

I remember begging my mother to let me have a pet of my very own when I was younger. I promised to care for it and be responsible. She always refused because she said I was too young.

After continuous pleading, I finally convinced her to let me take home my class pet guinea pig for a weekend. I was determined to show her my responsible side.

I made sure he had everything he needed and I even made time to play with him everyday. I forgot the close the door all the way, and the terrier got in the room while I was playing with guinea pig.

This was my one fatal mistake. The terrier attacked the guinea pig and all I can remember doing is trying to separate them. It happened so fast and I tried so hard but I couldn't stop the terrier. My screams alerted my mother and she was there before I could think to call her. I learned what responsibility was that day.

I had to face everyone knowing I wasn't ready for the task I volunteers to undertake. I had blood on my hands and I was so mad at the world. I blamed everyone for my mistake. It took me a long time to forgive.

I think about that day sometimes, about how much pain occurred because I was careless and didn't think. You hold many lives within your hands, be careful who you let in.

Leaping Through Time

I once watched an Anime about a girl who leaped through time. She found this gadget one day that gave her the ability to change things in her life. In the movie (spoiler alert), she got the power from her future self. I have always wondered, how her future self obtain the object if she got it in the past from her future self... Now that is a mind loop~

What would you do with such a gadget? Would you use it to change things in your past? Would you just leave it alone? I guess there are things in our pasts that we are not proud of...but should we change them?

I would be very tempted to save a loved one, prevent a catastrophic event or even divert an innocent from a future of darkness. However, I would be afraid that change would create a whole new world for us. It is like the devil you know is better than the devil that you do not know.

I wonder if you changed a small thing about yourself, would you still be you? We are who we are because of the experiences we have gone through~ both the good and the bad. I believe that no matter how tragic the past has been~ changing it would only make things worse.

daffodil

I have a patch of flowers in my yard that bloom at the beginning of Spring. I love the beauty of the rich, yellow blossoms, but soon after they bloom, they quickly die. The dried dead leaves are always so troubling to me.

I decided to remove the pesky little blooms so I dug all up and put them behind my back fence. The next year when the weather grew warmer, the bright yellow flowers bloomed again, not as many as before but still an army of yellow.

Again, I removed the limp flowers and reunited them with the previous bunch. This year, a few more poked up to smile upon my yard. My nemesis prevailed yet again. I don't think I will remove these this year.

I have a field of yellow blooms near my back fence and gentle reminder of nature's resilience in my front yard.

As I feel the warm sunshine on my face, and see the slow rebirth of the green ground, I will always remember the yellow flowers that flourish in spite of great obstacles in its path, even if it is for a limited time. I just need to be thankful that I got to enjoy them at all.

Serving Up Haters

Do you think you have the right to say whatever you want?

I guess if you believe in free speech that means you have to allow people to say what they want, even if you do not like what they say. It may seem like it protects the haters but when you start deciding where the line is...then the freedom is lost.

I don't like all the things that I hear but I would never risk not letting people say what they want about any topic. I can choose to ignore or even walk away if I am bothered too much.

It is very difficult at times, to just ignore but sometimes you have have to man or woman up! So let the hate spill out, for freedom's sake but let me use my umbrella of common sense to protect myself from the words I do not like.

Let freedom ring and the tongues wag!

Letters

People don't write long paper and pen/pencil letters anymore. I mean the sit down with a pen/pencil and actually push the ink across the page.

I miss the feel of the pen in my hand and the color streaked across the bottom of my hand because of the multiple copies I had to do to get the words and handwriting to seem perfect. I also miss putting the letter in an envelope and the nasty flavor that greets your tongue on the flip side, the glittering of the stickers that you put on the back to seal the not-so-sticky flap and picking the stamps to go with the holiday or color of the envelope.

But most of all, I miss the joy of receiving a letter that someone enjoyed writing to you as much as you enjoyed getting it. I miss checking for tokens and cash and reading it over and over again and patiently waiting for the another one to arrive.

Lucky Day

Well, I am thinking the luck comes from being able to drink nonstop and call it a holiday!!!

I know that people celebrate in many ways. I heard this was one of the highest alcohol consumption days in the United States and most of it is green! (taste great or less filling?)

I heard they color the Chicago River green~ it makes you wonder what the fish think about that.

In Texas, they have a rattlesnake round up...there are no snakes in Ireland, I think because St. Patrick drove them out~ beating the ground to rid the snakes!

I think everyone else parties~ so eat, drink and be merry!

No matter how you celebrate, be safe and have fun~ Happy St. Patrick's Day, ya'll!

Guilty Pleasure

Around this time of year you hear about more spiritual people giving up things until Easter.

In support of all the lenters out there, I thought I would give something up as well...

I don't have a lot of guilty pleasures, but here is a list of my possibilities...

* Chai Tea
* BOB
* Frozen strawberry drinks
* Colorful fingernail polish
*Running beneath the stars
*iPod Apps
* Drinks with cherries
* Rocking out in my truck or at the park

Secret Garden

Can you imagine what it must be like living through a natural disaster?

You look at the news and get a glimpse into a reality that is unreal. In a blink of an eye, your life is drastically altered. It makes the little petty things we dwell on seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I find myself trying to look into my future and see what is in store for me tomorrow, next week, next month, this summer and beyond....

I can only ready myself for today, remembering to show kindness and saying things from the heart, and to always look for the glimpses of green life in a sea of darkness. It is my secret garden I must prepare. A place of things forgotten, lifeless and lost but looking for the blooms that will come to life with a little time, love and determination.

Take time to catch the color of the birds, feel the wind against your skin and the warmness within yourself.

I Swallowed

I swallowed gum today!

Remember all those lies your parents told when you were little. You believed them because, duh!, they are you parents and why would they lie to a sweet innocent little kid like you.

I believe parents make up these lies because they want to protect their children or it could just be a way of parents punking kids to get back at them~

I haven't figured it out yet, maybe after I have some children of my own, I will grace the door of parenthood with the manual in my arms and know all the truths of the world~




Lies my parents told me~

1. If you swallow gum it will never digest and it will stay in your body forever and ever.
2. If you cross your eyes, they will stick that way!
3. If you swallow watermelon seeds, you will grow a watermelon in your tummy (see look at the woman over there, she didn't listen!)
4. If you take two aspirins, you will prevent pregnancy. Put the two aspirins between your knees and don't let go.
5. If you are good, Santa will bring you lots of toys.
6. It hurts me more to spank you.
7. If you tell the truth, you will be in less trouble.
8. If you make that face, it will stay that way forever.
9. If you keep touching yourself there, it will shrivel up.
10. ...and they lived happily ever after...


Maybe you can think of a few things that I missed! Parents remember you kids rely on your words of wisdom~

Love and Basketball

I don't usually follow basketball because it is probably one of my least favorite sports.

However, I do tend to pay attention a little during the month of March when the NCAA Tournament takes place---> March Madness!!

This year I joined on online pool, nothing life or death, just for fun~ the prize for winning is "bragging rights" and oh, do I like to brag.

There are a few die hard basketball fans that I will be going toe to toe with and I am a little intimidated but then I think their chances are just as good as mine when you calculate the probability of winning. I don't know how well I'll do but you can bet, I am not gonna let those know-it-alls get the best of me!

I do have the a secret weapon...shhhhhh...the weapon...men at my work who follow this tourney like the BB Gods give them life...if only I can talk their language long enough to communicate and take notes....maybe this call for the big guns...Operation Cupcake...wish me luck!!!

No matter what~ (and by what I mean the competition is going down)~ it will be fun! Catch you on the hardwood!

Celebrate Women

I am here again at my keyboard looking at this picture contemplating on what to write about...I have so many potential topics leap frogging around in my mind. I never know where to begin...

Today is a day to reflect about being a woman and what that means. I think women are emotionally strong and can handle a lot but for the life of me I don't get why people think they are the weaker sex. I guess a man said that and a woman just repeated it.

Physically, I know a man can force his uncontrolled power on a woman and overtake her no matter how much she tries to "muscle up" or "fight" back. It takes a strong woman it get up and face what is coming and a stronger one to walk away. Does that make one weak or just not smart to be there in the first place?

I hope that our young women are growing up strong and smart. I want to see them succeed in life and without ever having to walk a path of life littered with broken glass and uneven ground. I want to celebrate the potential of taking the perfect stroll with our counterparts, hand in hand.

~Hug a woman today~

~Words~

~Danger~

The conversation always seems to head into the bedroom or on the kitchen table...don't get me wrong, I am usually pointing it in that direction to arouse some hidden agenda. I like that you can't always detect the true meaning unless your unwrap it a little more. There is always something not shown in the words that are typed but it's always implied. The fun is in the discovery.

You really start to understand how someone thinks from the nature of their response. They are just words typed on a screen but they can scream volumes to an observant pair of eyes. Guard your words carefully~ they may be your undoing~

Remembrance

Do you ever stop and think about all the people that will be touched with your words during your lifetime? Will you be proud of the words you used.

When you are gone, what will people remember about you?

Over time, you develop a sort of "chat family", people you are familiar with. You know their real name and personal things about them. You play and poke and laugh together. You greet them with big smiles and are a little upset when they have to leave, especially if it is a really good conversation.

Have you ever thought about what these people say or think about you when you are not around? What kind of person do they really think you are? What are they thinking when you bounce in the room? I am not talking about the things that are said aloud, I mean the things that are hidden in private thoughts.

I am not saying it should change the way you act or feel but just something to think about...

Bouncin' Off

What makes chatting so much fun?

For me, it is the conversation. I specifically like something I call "bouncing off" people.

It is throwing lots of comments into a crowd until someone starts responding to your comments. I try to think outside of the box and come up with something witty but I probably come across as more of a smart ass.

I love when there is a play on words and something has more than one meaning. I know its hard, but it helps when one of those meanings can be a little bit naughty. I guess if you don't know this by now, I can be a little bit of a tease. Shhhh, I would hate for that to get around.

I am there to have fun and not really think about anything too seriously. I wanna bounce around and LOL all night. I love to laugh and when I type "LOL" I am literally laughing. Friends and fun~ where can you go wrong!!! Lots of Licks and Laughs for all!

Choices

Funny how life is a series of choices. You make decisions with each breath and spark of thought.

You learn by making mistakes. Well, you learn by correctly figuring out how to change what you did before to get a more desirable result.

No matter how much you wish for it you cannot make choices for others. You can only mold yourself into the perfect image of you.

Listening to others help you guide yourself but ultimately it is always your choice. You have no one to blame but yourself and that can be a dark place.

Look for the light in others and if there is no one then prepare for the darkness.

Growing Up

Have you ever wondered where you lost sight of things that were important to you?

This is my birthday weekend and I am not feeling very grown up or much like partying for that matter. I guess with age doesn't come wisdom.

I realized that I have been spending way too much time focusing on the world of chat and it has taken me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been really selfish and thinking mostly of myself in the name of fun.

I guess that happens sometimes but finding balance in life, and in chat for that matter, is the key. If I had all the answers, I would write a book and share them with anyone who would shell out $21.30 but for now, I will just try to keep it wrapped in a very a nice package.

Who doesn't like a big bow on top! Remember: It is the little things that matter most...

Stay safe and have a great weekend!

Packers Win!

The biggest debate over the past few weeks in chat has been who will win the super bowl. I had to go with the lesser of two evil and cheer for the Pack. I decided to stay loyal to the NFC. I am sure a lot of people made bets on the Superbowl. I heard a lot of trash talk about it. I only made a couple of bets.

It was an amazing game and the Packers beat the Steelers (31-25) and I was lucky enough to win all my bets. Next time, I should bet for more than just bragging rights!

Well, did anyone else think the super bowl emblem looked liked a giant penis~ or was it just me?

Bielvee It or Not!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

I totlaly cpoeid and peatsd tihs form ahnoetr wbtsiee but I
thuohgt it was cool.

I wdneor if taht is why pplele can raed waht I tpye?

Chat Convention

Well, over that past few days the chat site has been "allegedly" down. Chatters who have been unable to gain access to the site have come up with theories about why they have been denied entry but I guess we will never really know the true reason.

I am not convinced that the site is really down at all. I believe there is a chat convention of sorts going on right now and only selected chatters are being admitted. I am sure the one is charge is likely showing his special guests around the place and showing them the ropes or possibly the place is getting a home edition type makeover. There will be no telling what the place will look like when we finally get our keys to get back in..well in the meantime, let's find some things to keep us busy....

Live Life to the Fullest

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

I saw a list of words used in 2010 that should be banned. Unfortunately, I use a lot of them...go figure.

I will attempt to live life to the fullest without the use of these should be banned words. It might be an epic fail because sometimes they are the wow factor in my conversation and the American People or even my BFF may not have that ah-ha moment without me using them. I am sure you do not want to hear the back story of why I feel this way so, I will move on. I will man up (can a woman do that or are they just Mama Grizzles) and not use these words while facebooking or googling unless it is an emergency and it might go viral, just sayin'. The only word I do not have to worry about using is Refudiate , whatever that means...


I hope you have been enlightened...and your use of words will be more creative this year!