The Queen

What exactly are you selling?  Your smoke and mirror tricks do not work on me anymore.  I have seen for myself your twisted ways and serpent lies.  As it is, I have spent too much time under you hypnotic spell.

I kept thinking what you were peddling was exactly what I needed.  In the light, you were the brightest of the bright and now with the spotlight pointed on you, I see you are retreating into the darkness from wince you came.

You ask for an audience with me to explain what I know.  Oh charlatan, is this your way of tricking me again?  Is this a time for you to tell me what I see clearly is just some sort of illusion?  I simply do not have the the strength to play this game with you any longer...checkmate, you win!

NO~ Real Pain

I thought I understood the enigma called man, but it turns out I have no clue about this species.  I have spent a lot of time watching them interact in a social setting and I realize I am more confused than ever.

I don't know how my words are being received, and I don't know how much of what I say actually gets through.  Sometimes I think I am talking to a brick wall.  I know I am an emotional creature and I tend to react first and think later.

You told me that your feelings were hurt and I said I was sorry but in the end, it didn't matter at all. because you you couldn't accept my apology.  We are just spinning in two different directions and I do not ever think we will see eye to eye.

Thank you for showing me that I don't know half as much as I think I did.  I am sure things will work out in the end but I have done all that I can.  I am not willing to change who I am just because you got your feelings hurt.

My capacity for friendships is unlimited and I will always have room for you~ but I am not bending to your will just because there is something about me you do not like ~so this post is about you~ you are the my topic~ as you wished...

The words flowed so easily because if you haven't figured it out that one simple "NO"...hurt~

The Rain

I don't know if it is because I was born under the sign of Aquarius, but I always seem to find a sort of strength from water~ 

When I am troubled, hearing the crash of the waves against the shore, always puts me at ease.  I can spend hours in the pool and feel more refreshed and invigorated than when I began.  The gentle tapping of the rain against my window pane~ lulls me into a dream-like state...

But there is something special about the rain, it is an old friend~ and it always seems to embrace me...

I got caught in the rain the other day and even though the heavens had opened up and pelted with a barrage of rain drops, I stayed my course.  

I did not run and I did not engage my umbrella.  I just simply walked it the steady wetness and inhaled its intoxicating scent as if I was in a faraway trance.  

I love the feel of the rain ricocheting off my body~it makes me feel so strong.  I have spent many days outside during a storm just soaking it all in~ it makes me feel so alive...

Sometimes the rain is wrapped in coldness~ and its harsh reception does chill me~ but I always feel it is still worth a little discomfort...

I hope you can see the rain as I do~ as a friend that gives you strength and as long as you have the rain~ you will be strong enough to overcome anything put in your way~

The Mask

Have you ever wonder what someone is really like behind their chat identity?  How much of what they type represents who they actually are?

I know getting to know someone online can feel very real but you have to remember that it is not.  I guess you can never be certain of who a person genuinely is online unless you know them in real life.

I have to wonder about who you truly are masked behind your screen name.  Do you give me 100% of your true self or something slightly less?  I think about who you are when you are away from your keyboard. Will your mirror's reflection be true?  I think it is too easy to forget who you are when no one is looking.  It is too tempting to slip away from the reality of who you really are...and I don't think changing who you are online is always a terrible thing...

I know I am different when I sit behind a screen.  I find it easier to say what I am thinking without interference of onlookers.  I am also less reserved.  I always try to be kind and respect others' differences.  I stand up more for myself and I don't back down.  I gain confidence from chatting and that spills over into my real world.

But my online world, is not a substitution for what surrounds me...because given a choice I would pick walking down a sunlit path with a friend over keyboard conversation every time~so be careful not to mistake this alternate world for reality~ just know the difference between the two...

Firestarter

A friend asks me today why I always spend so much time preparing meals even when I am the only one eating them...

My most honest answer~ is that it doesn't matter if I am making something for friends, family or just for myself~  I really enjoy cooking...

When I was younger,  I would spend a lot of time making treats for my family and friends and as I got older that never stopped. There is just something intoxicating about the way the house smells when you are baking something in the oven.  I would have to say baking is my most favorite past time.

When I moved out on my own, I never really got the taste for fast food so I would always do all the cooking.  Even when I had a roommate, I still volunteered to run the kitchen.  

I am not a selfish cook~ and I would never turn away a willing helper~ creating and learning new things really makes me smile~ maybe one day we will be able to share a meal together~ and you know, I will be the one wearing the apron...

Happy Hour

After work, I have been spending more and more time going to a pub .  I meet up with colleagues and friends.  

It is really nice to vent about all the crazy things that have happened to you during the week.  The staff all know us by name now.  They know what I am drinking and have one at the ready before I even need to order.  I guess it is because I never order anything with alcohol but just a cherry coke with extra, extra cherries but it is nice that they know what I like.   

Even though I am not much of a drinker but I do enjoy the company.  We usually end up laughing too loudly.  I mean to the point that everyone is glancing our way but we don't really care.  The place we go to has live music.  However, the musicians usually aren't that good but at least they try and for their effort...they always earn a tip from me.  I think I could listen to someone play a guitar all day even it they aren't really good.

I just wanted to remind you~ that life does happen away from a keyboard and spending time laughing out loud is always worth the small price you have to pay~ so seek out your fun....I will see you there~

Looking for Wonderland

I guess you know by now that the usual chat site is no longer there.

I feel a little disconnected right now trying to find a new place.  The search for what I lost seems to be taking more time than I thought.  I have been opening many doors but either I find a place filled with many lecherous hands or the only place to sit is in a corner way, way in the back of the room.

No place feels right, not even close.  Funny, how you feel loss in the most unusual way.  I miss things you would expect like,  the ease of the conversation and history that only needed a word or two to relate.  I miss the laughter...  I also miss the most annoying things as well.

I am not looking for perfection, no..it is more like I am looking for the chaos more than anything else.
I am looking for a place that I don't feel like I am looking on the outside in~  maybe just a place where everyone knows my name...

I am sure someday I will find what I am looking for...I mean, all we have is time~

Updating

I have been away from here for awhile...

 It isn't like I do not have things to write about...it is more like I didn't know why I should keep putting my thoughts in this arena.

So thank you, anonymous reader, for reminding me why I like to write here.  I write for myself and I am glad others can find value in that...even if the value is low, it is still something.

Time can always get away from you, you take a pause and when you glance up, you find your whole world has time jumped days, weeks, and months into the future.

You can't get lost in the past, you have to keep updating and improving.

I don't know if I will ever be totally happy with myself but I have to know that I will always keep trying and that I don't give up on who I am.

I have to love with all that I am and I have to be willing to let someone do the same for me.  I know updating can be scary because you are so comfortable with yourself and no one likes change but it is a necessary part of life...

When I read back over my posts, I can see the change in my thinking and my approach towards things.  I guess that is what getting older is all about..embracing who you are and knowing when it is time to update...